“Line!” by Sebastian Castillo
Note on the text: here are punchlines for jokes that don’t yet exist. This way the reader can supply the joke themselves and enjoy both creative satisfaction as well as a laugh. There are 32 punchlines provided, as 32 has been called the funniest number.
1. And then he said: that’s too much Greek for one yogurt!
2. The dollar writes itself.
3. The rabbi admitted: “Sebastian will have to suffer.”
4. They found him hung, fucked with his many awards.
5. After all, no one could dislike Arnold if he didn’t come home.
6. What’s for dinner? Several dead uncles. On ice, of course.
7. He didn’t mind. He was neutered.
8. No more rats for Christmas, that’s for sure.
9. Boris changed his password for the last time.
10. “Harry Potter”?
11. Because not only had he lost his head—he had lost his head display case.
12. Like many young people he needed an au courant blowjob.
13. It would be New Year’s Eve forever.
14. Don’t bilk me! he said. He could not possibly mean it.
15. They called him a clown for he was all nose and clothing.
16. The broken coach was right several times a day.
17. He could no longer live a life filled with “opposite day.”
18. The priest poured finishing oil on the dying man’s forehead and said, “Sebastian would have had a pleasant life had he made the right choices, in which this regard he has failed indisputably. Thankfully God—who doesn’t exist—doesn’t care about that. As they say: the end, no moral.”
19. He was as unfortunately cloistered as an astronaut’s asshole.
20. Because there’s a negative balance where your elegant personality should be, asshole!
21. We will ship the debt directly to you, shipping not included in the cost.
22. His interior sexual dimensions were making offers on the bargaining table of likelihood.
23. At Reagent’s house it was always “deferred payment, this,” “deferred payment, that.”
24. Math is unimportant for a medium-happy life.
25. He had hung himself one too many times and was overly nervous at the tourist-novelty hat stand.
26. Because he’d gone a half a century without an idealish creature.
27. He rubbed his hardware together like a thief. Said, “Time to shop!”
28. Sebastian liked regular evil miracles, but nothing too strange.
29. With his work finished, Sigismund announced: give me a captain, any gay old captain, and the will to say yes, please!
30. His favorite word was “crenellation” due to all that stuff about the princess.
31. That was a very good question. I should not want to spoil it with an answer.
32. He rose from his own casket (he had hung himself), looked about the room for a response, and yelled to the great director above: “Line!”
Sebastian Castillo is the author of SALMON and other books. He lives in Philadelphia.